2013 wailed on me like I stole her man. She wailed on me like I told her, her mother was an edgeless bitch. And the blows didn’t cease until days before New Years, which is why I had to wait to write this post. 

Have you ever been so tired that you can’t help but laugh? Felt so wrapped up in emotions that the only thing you could articulate was a sigh and a half-smile? That the act of pretending a smile isn’t worth the searing pain of thoughts that flash in your eyes, reminding you, you aren’t happy at all? And when you think of all these things I once, thought of leaving your bed seemed impossible?

Well, welcome to my 2013 folks!

Not to be THAT person, I do have to say that with the bad comes the good. There were lots of amazing moments in 2013 that I hope to never forget, however, I have to look at the bigger picture and in 2013, I couldn’t be more lost as to who I was becoming as an artist, person and businesswoman.

The struggle was eminent the minute I quit my job and decided to try to do filmmaking full time. Let the record show that I live by myself with no assistance from my parents. So when I said full time, it meant figuring out how the hell I was going to sustain work that will pay rent, food and other bills. By the time it reached March, it didn’t.

While on the hunt for work, I was going through a really bad breakup so dealing with the bills surmounting and a broken heart was rough. My artistry had plummeted until I couldn’t take feeling sorry for my situation anymore. I took an active approach with the site and started to send out emails to several companies offering our services.

More companies took the bite then I had predicted, which was great for the money, but it started to put a heavy strain on my friendships (see: Staff page). The frustrations over incomplete tasks and sloppy work started to make the friend-work relationship difficult to sustain and after awhile it didn’t any longer.

It started to feel like after every triumph there was a period of struggle and angst. The decisions I was making as a CEO were getting sloppy and it seemed like everything was coming to head at once. I had a period when I was spinning out of control so much that I was beginning to have anxiety attacks. I purposely alienated people around me because I felt things slipping out of control and that’s not healthy behavior.  My artist, person and businesswoman were merging into this entity I no longer recognized.

I was completely lost.

But what I realized is that I can be as lost as I need to be to learn the lessons I need to learn, but nothing on Earth can take away the passion I have for filmmaking and this company. It is the fire that burns inside of me even when I feel cold as hell. It’s the one thing that will always ground me. And it has for the most part.

2013 was a hot ass mess year, but it was also a year of growth and hard truths that I needed to wake me up. I needed to grow into this person I am now who has a little more self-awareness as an artist, person and businesswoman. I’m still lost, make no doubt about it, but I feel like I’m lost in the right direction. Finally.