[BLOG] The Year of The Cynical
My ex once told me that I see everything as a movie. I thought that was a fair assessment considering my passion, but it’s never been more apparent than this year. I don’t even think it’s that I see my life according to acts, but it sure does look and feel like it.
This year has been bizarre for a lot of reasons. I looked at last year as my “comeback year.” I put away my self-loathing and picked up my ambitions. Film alone carried me through the year. It was my sole motivation for most of my actions of that year. I came into this year thinking it’d be a beefed of version of that, which for most part it is, but then there’s this underlying feeling of something bigger happening.
I’ve been unbalanced for awhile. For the longest I thought it was because of my career. I’ve had dreams of being a filmmaker almost my entire life. Lots of folks get older and want different things, but my ambitions have more or less stayed the same. However, it’s only recently that I’m realizing that yes, part of being unbalanced has a lot to do with me feeling like I’m not where my career needs to be, but then the other half of it is I’m beginning to truly like where I’m at.
I think when someone asks, “Do you like yourself?” Your instinct is to say “Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I?” But I think that real answer manifests itself in ways with how you interact with the world. Where your intentions lie. Where your thoughts drift off to.
I’ve always sort of struggled with myself. My personality can be intense. My speech can be harsh. People have always drift in and out of my life. Sometimes it’d be understandable. Other times a wonder. But much recently, I’ve began to treat myself much better. Take off some of the weight that I had on my shoulders. Like myself.
It’s shown itself in my work. Instead of pushing myself, I’m taking those much needed moments to breathe and learn. Listen more. Ask more questions. The Universe has been shifting things in my favor and on the opposite when I need to learn a lesson it’s no longer the end of the world. There’s a reason for it.
I don’t have a cheat code as to how I got to this place other than I stopped questions why things happen to me: good or bad. I let life go on as it’s supposed to, living completely in the present. Living in the moment and enjoying the hell out of it.
From the outside, it seems like maybe I’ve been slacking on The Cynical Owl. But we’ve been working really hard on a short film and feature project. However, we are giving ourselves the time needed to enjoy the process and learn.
And I think we’re finally getting to be the best people and filmmakers we’ve always wanted to be.